Who had the very best Christmas a person could ask for?
And met mom and dad at an adorably adorned airport to find freshly fallen snow on the ground?
And had lunch at our family’s traditional east coast diner chain, with the greatest desserts we’ve been gobbling up for as long as I can remember?
And drove from one quiet little New England town to another, amidst the rolling hills, snow drifts and chapels with tall steeples and wreaths on the double doors?
And had a cozy Christmas Eve with dad’s side of the family, while the lot of us were packed into grandma’s house, ate a decadent meal and indulged in Christmas treats and rounds of gifts? (… reveling at how everyone had grown?)
And walked around the corner from grandma’s house, the same one where she raised all of her 5 children, to Christmas Eve mass at the very same tiny chapel where mom had once sat as a small child while her grandmother had calmed her during mass by playing with her fingers as she stared up at the mural on the ceiling?
And peacefully slept later that night on the couch to the gurgling sounds of dad and grandma just feet away?
And drove to have dinner with mom’s side of the family for much of the same on Christmas day?
And was tickled and touched by the sound of my cousin’s little girl when she called me Cioci Karen?
And spent quality time catching up with another cousin, god sister and best friend?
And had great and sometimes silly midnight talks just about every night?
And spent the day with her great aunt as we poured over boxes and boxes of family photos and gathered family history?
And spent the day decompressing with at my cousin’s house playing games with her kids, and snuggling under a marshmallow comforter on the couch in the afternoon watching videos of the sweetest kindergarten Christmas pageant?
And even as a bonus got to spend an evening in my cousin's "man cave" playing Wii for the first time!
And had a spontaneous late night of bonding with my aunt, uncle and cousin as my aunt recalled tearfully at times incidents of her youth while cousin and I captivity listened until 3 a.m.
And spent another quiet day at her grandma’s house as we branched out the fraternal family tree?
And laughed a lot?
And cried some too?
But mostly just felt rich and extremely grateful?
Well, it’s no surprise. That would be me that’s who. And my greatest gifts were not the kind that are paid for or piled up, but only seen as smiles or heard as laughter and conversation. It could never have been scripted, just desired from the depths of my heart.
I had the perfect Christmas! I could only wish the same litany of joy to anyone who should happen to read this.
Sweet boy, I can hardly compose myself enough to write anything about you now at this moment on the day I had to let you go, but I will say this: I am a mess and miss you terribly already! I want some kind of assurance that you are warm and happy and joyful, and that I made the right decision. But for now I just feel extreme sorrow and acute pain and a HUGE void that not Seuss or anyone else could possibly fill. Ever.
I do have the most wonderful friends. They let me talk and cry and they cried with me. They know better than to think I could even try to contain myself and I love them for that.
I feel numb. In the middle of this move. I have to keep going, whether I want to or not. Whether I think I'm strong enough or not. And now I have to do it without you. I'm just devastated and my only solace could arise from knowing that you aren't suffering. You have been the most amazing companion to me, during a third of my life. You were with me four times as long as any guy, and through friendships I broke off long ago. I think even though it all happened pretty fast, that you had suffered enough.
I just love you to the very end, and imagine that you are free.
